Handy Dandy Bloggy.

2011-06-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hanna,

I must really be an idiot for repeating it over and over. The split second it is heard, it's hard to change the situation of things and it certainly cannot be taken back. I know how you feel yet I still do it. There must be something wrong with me. I apologize for my stupidity towards you.

2011-06-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

I did it before. Painful as it is, I have done it. And this I can do again. You were never mine and you never will be it seems. So be it.

Same shit,different day.

2011-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

Stagnant. That's how i'd put it. It feels that all these past years you're like a cog in my machine that keeps me runnin'. And it feels like you're gone. Well, of course we all know it's my fault for most parts of it. But you're gone. And emptiness mixed with frustration makes my world stop. I look up and I see absolutely nothing ahead of me. Vast disappointment is all I see. And the voices in my head, one huge war is going on. Just loud noises and empty nothingness. I'm just very disappointed in myself ladies and gentlemen. I could have done a whole lot better with whatever chance I had before. Screwing up is just a massive understatement. You're happy now an I'm trying my ultimate best not to ruin it for you. Just promise me you'll still remember me after all the dust has settled down. Or it may be too late by the time you do. Then the Budi that once lived and breathed for you, will cease to exist. Far away in different worlds, with only the slightest thin hope that we will ever meet again.

2011-06-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

And it starts again. Do not ever question my friendship. Where were you when I was sick? Don't start this.

2011-05-28T01:45:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry Hanna. To probably the sweetest girl that I have ever met, you are a dream girl for everyone. Just not mine. There is just no way that I can reply your love for me except by just being your good friend. Trust me if it was that simple I would have just been with you. I know that in the future there will be this guy who will take your breath away, make you melt every time he speaks and make you smile every time he looks in your eyes. Sadly the guy is just not me.

You are simply too good for me. Regret it I will for myself. But never for you because you deserve so much more than this. I have issues to face, silly petty things that I simply just cannot let go of. Things I have yet to deal with myself that has me exasperated and so tired. I'm not your guy Hanna, but i'll love you the same as all the girls mean so dear to me.

To Krystal, whom I've always thought was my first love, I still do love you as a special friend. You gave me a sneak peek probably to what love is. It was short and brief, but I had one of the best times of my life with you. Years have passed and things may have changed, but you don't deserve the shit that I bitch about you to other people. You are human just like anyone else and you make mistakes too. I am regretfully sorry as to what I have done to you. Only time will show me the punishment that I so rightly deserve. Your smile and your laughter will always remain in my memories which I can never forget. I'm so sorry Krys.

To Aaliyah (Always found this name so sexy), we've had our times. We've gone through a lot of emotional shit together. And I am eternally sorry for the repeated mistakes, the bitching and the anger that you have received from me. You too, do not deserve any of this from me. Whatever that has happened I bring upon myself. I made my friends hate you and also I've hurt you deeply in which no amount of time could ever repair that. Nothing can repair the damage that I have caused. I'm really sorry from the bottom of my heart for hurting you. I have always wanted to give you my life. I've wanted you to be my wife. But i've learnt that this not a possibility. It's over. And now i'm just going with the tide. But please forgive me for the sins I have done against you. You like all of them, do not deserve this.

Last but not least, to Miss Dhabitah Huda. This is the girl who started everything off ladies and gentlemen. The girl who made me smile a very long time ago. You are very dear to me. We may have our differences, but I still love you. I know this being a jerk that I have hurt you many a times, disappointed you and also made you angry. This I apologize for you too do not deserve this from me. We've not been through much. But hell I feel as though we did.

I'm sorry girls, if it's any consolation I'm moving to Canada with such hope that I cannot break your hearts ever again. But you girls will always take my fragile heart away for some tender care and loving. And for that i'm always grateful I had you in my life.

2011-05-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

We all will find our true love one day.

It wasn't Dhabitah.

It wasn't Krystal.

It wasn't Nisha.

No it's not Hanna either.

So she's still out there waiting for me. Wait love, and i'll see to it that I love you with every second of my life.

2011-05-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've given up. Time to go with whatever flow there is. But this time no, it's not you who is hurting me. I asked for it. Still clinging on to every hope that I could still be with you. I will never be good enough for you. And as everybody knows, I'm only your best friend yes? So whatever, i'm just numb from all the pain. Fuck this.

Let's tell you why.

2011-05-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

I'm telling you why i'm always an ass disturbing you and all. It's because I don't know what else to do or say to you. I'm not funny, i'm not charming. I'm not anything. I just want your attention. I don't know how to win you over anymore. I'd give my life for you. But apparently that wouldn't be enough too.

I'm so sorry Hanna Begam.

2011-05-18T05:30:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry for doing what i've done to you. I've only gone back into a war that I can never win. And I feel it. I feel the pain and it strikes me deep. But we're even. You made me think I was something I never was. I'm only a piece of shit. And now it seems clearer more than ever. Please do not EVER make me believe it again. FUCK THAT SHIT. It stops here. You're such a beautiful friend, but don't ever lie to me again.

This is life.

2011-04-29T02:17:00.001-07:00

I must learn to cope with loneliness. I must learn to lead without the aid of a companionship. After all it is me who lives my life, not anyone else. It is with great displeasure to say that I am something worthless as of now. The things I have done which has affected a few along the way should have merited a great degree of bad karma to punish me with. All this has been my very own doing and I am certainly not proud of it. This is life. If you do not know how to control it, it will control you. It has made me a sad little boy not knowing how to control my life. All this while i've been doing as i've pleased but I have not fully felt life to the fullest. It is still very much empty. My whole life is revolved around pessimism, anger, sadness and disappointment. But I can change all that, I must learn to lead life on my own.

2011-04-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah we're nearing the end it seems. Drifters we are, now knowing what hit us in the first place. It's been a tough ride with you babe. But you and me, more or less finished. It's sad.

I lost me head.

2011-04-02T18:28:00.001-07:00

This anger has been inside me for so long. And I'm so sorry you had to bear the full brunt of it. I'm not normally like that around girls, you know me. But yesterday what happened had to happen. I know you may have your side of the argument, but i'm just trying to point out a few things to you. You will not listen. You've stopped for a long time. And I only have myself to blame. But whatever happened had to happen.

Just like a piece of driftwood.

2011-04-02T18:24:00.001-07:00

My relations with her are more or less like Germany in ruins. It's there but everything's gone. Like a piece of driftwood, we remain floating choosing not to sink to the bottom. There is nothing left that could be said or done to salvage anything. It's just a matter of time.

2011-03-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe how out of luck I am whenever it comes to you. I wanna feel hurt, but what's the point. That won't even make you consider running to me. I'm glad that after your break-up you found someone else. It hurts that I would still continue waiting. Waiting for something that might not even come. I'd just stick to this dysfunctional relationship for as long as I can. I'm not falling to pieces, i've shattered all over the floor.

2010-09-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

I had to chance to love a very beautiful girl.

I had the chance to be her best friend.

But.

I'm more or less certain the damage that i've done its enough to ruin it all the way.

Many chances.And all just gone to waste.

She was awesome.

I was just an ass.

I had the chance to love a very beautiful girl.

I had it right in my hands.

I had it.

2010-09-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

One year. That's what it took for everything to change. I really wished that it wasn't my fault. But I guess it is. I can see the huge difference. When i'm finally gone it will just be just a simple brush of the shoulder. I've resigned to that fate then.

2010-09-03T23:08:00.001-07:00

Right, I'm being reduced to ranting out to only this space yet again. As time ticks down to my impending departure from Singapore, I can't help to ponder over my mistakes. Mistakes that have led to me to my current predicament. As I stand by and wonder why I'm being treated differently by other people, I just have to ask myself why. I'm in frustration most of the time, i'm usually sad and moody, tired, angry and sullen-faced. Is this really me? I used to be a happy boy. I had many friends. I used to be just content with playing soccer and just having a soya bean drink after. How can I change? As of right now, the only person I need to believe in me is me. I need to bounce back.

It's not just all about the looks.

2010-01-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

This seems to be a problem with us young kids nowadays as we truly fail to understand personalities and fall in love with it. No, we're more concerned about looks. How my boyfriend looks, is my girlfriend pretty enough for me to be cool? You know those kind of stupid questions? Here's the best part. We complain that there's no one out there who loves us. When of course,the person is standing right infront of you the whole time. Guys!Girls! Wake up!(that applies for me too) smell the body odour of those loser souls who have in them deep kind hearted exuberant persona that never fails to light up any room. It pains me to see this monstrosity continue.

My brain doesn't function properly without you.

2010-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

So many things I want to say, so many things I want to do. Being free from you only makes me realize how much I'm in love with you. Yes i've done shit to you. But it's not until you lose it that you finally realize the small petty things you do that hurt that someone. To hell with all this best friend shit, for my heart knows no other than you. It's hard yes. But thats whats making everything so difficult. You say we are not meant to be together.WE ALMOST DID! But why didnt we? Because I didn't go that one short extra mile for you baby. I didn't. Imagine if I had! Imagine! Of all the things we didn't do together! I mean come on! Do you really think that you might not fall in love with me one day? I was too obsessed on being with you that i didn't do what was the most important. Loving you. That was all it took so that you would love me back. Ask yourself. Haven't you ever thought that at one small moment in your life you thought you were in love with me and you could see yourself with me? Just one small moment. I would do anything to go back to that time where wrote that post if only. Remember? i forgot to add one thing.

If only you would let me love you right.

I'm falling so hard on my face bloody hell god save me kind of love with you again just like how I was all those months ago. Oh god I'm blabbering so much. You're gone now huh. Well now only time can stop me from loving you. If only....

2010-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

You are never gonna be the same are you? Right. It's a new year, I don't want to ruin this for the both of us. Bitch about me all you want if thats what I deserve. I never meant to hurt you.

Happy times will come. Sometimes we just have to wait a little longer. So just hush and smile.

Deja Vu.

2010-01-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

If I could choose anyone in the world to relive my past year again, it would only be with you. I know I was in love with you then;still am now. Even with all the heartbreaks, I was so happy when I was with you.If ever you'll come back, i'll treat you as if im meeting you for the first time.Head over toes.

When everything finally cracked.

2010-01-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

This really feels like shit.

Lost &! disorganiseddddd.

2009-12-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so lost now. Maybe I should open a school for hypocrites. Right, College of heartbreakers & hypocrites. Sounds good doesn't it? It's always easy for me to say to other people.."look, don't be like this" or "it'll all be better". I'm giving advice to people when I myself am so lost beyond doubt.

I have not been fully appreciating my family and my friends. Karma, it's spanking my ass to say: "you've been a bad boy". You know what the real trick is? Its to be grateful. When you're grateful you'll cherish your life even more. When you do, you'll be happier. When you are, people will love you. No regrets, no bad karma, no hypocrisy and last but not least. No pain. This is not self discovery. Its a chapter from the book of life. One which my dear friend pointed it out to me all this while without her knowing it. But i need to get round there first. I need to get round there. I need to. For my life's sake.

All I have to do is dream.

2009-12-12T17:33:00.001-08:00

For a few minutes, I thought you never exist. I lost faith in all of love.

I'm sorry baby.

I'm could never kid myself that you're never around.

"I need you so, that i could die, I love you so."

You're always around.

All I have to do is dream.

2009-12-12T17:13:00.001-08:00

I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist.

Be it two years ago, yesterday or even today for that matter. I never want you to leave.

I never know if you feel the same. What it is; the sheer vast emptiness that stretches causing you to feel trapped, the numbness that shrouds your body. The inexplicable rage that engulfs your body, causing you to feel so weak and strong at the same time. I never ever want to feel that ever again. So what i'm gonna do for you,is i'm gonna stand fiercely loyal right beside you and protect you. Even if it kills me to do so. Penchant for drama, yes. But if you tried to look far beyond my words i'm trying to say something to reach out to you.

For one of those nights, many nights ago, you had me promise to us.

No matter what happens, you and I will never leave each other. Best friends.

There's something about Aaliyah Nisha.

2009-07-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

I've treated you worse than a scumbag.
Yet you've stayed on with me.
I broke your heart one too many times.
Yet you've stayed with me.
You've made me jump with joy at the thought of you.
You've made me cringe at the thought of you.
You've evoked every single emotion that you probably can from me.
And after all that,you're still here.
I've made big mistakes with you.
So please won't you give me one more chance?
Your smile,your giggle,your laughter,the way you argue with me,the way you get angry.
I love it so much.
I don't want to lose you.
Please.Don't go.

The monster of '05.

2009-06-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

4 years ago, it happened.

The monster devoured everything in my life. Sports, academics and social life. You name it.
Then it stopped abruptly.
Calm passed and all was good.
But everyday since then I silently prayed and hoped in fear that it will never come back.

*whispers*
It's back.

The monster is back.

2009-06-21T09:06:00.001-07:00

The only way somebody could ever love you, is for you to love yourself.

Never ever think about what others think.
Never.

Just keep going and going. With a smile.

So now what?

2009-06-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

I think I need to take a little break from this drama.

Today marks my first day as a CBTL barista.YAY YAY.
First full shift. 8 long hours baby!
You know after being so long out of a job, it's a little awkward if I must say.
I still prefer school.
But I could probably count the reasons why I chose to work even if you cut off nearly all my fingers.
=)

Drama Queen,out!(I meant King)

2009-06-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Okay. Calm down.
What I did last night, was something not many would understand.
What I did last night, was something huge.
A sacrifice if you must say.
Your feelings are more important that anyone else's.
Exasperated I am trying to convince you of my intentions.
I'll always be here for you when you need me.
Don't cry no more baby.Please.

Some things should never be repeated.

2009-06-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

SHUT YOUR MOUTH.ALWAYS.

2009-06-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

Okay.
New checklist.
New stuff.
New personality.
Everything new.
The past is the..fuck the past.

2009-06-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

I wanna make you smile whenever youre sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

Ill get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

Ill miss you
Ill kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Ill need you
Ill feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you
-Adam Sandler

This is what I want us to be princess.
Together,best friends,whatever.
As long as you can be around for long to grow old with me.

2009-06-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

like how enthusiastic you are in pursuing your love..
-Mum.

Hahah. It's just so funny sometimes.

The game's over but I'm still getting a red card.

2009-06-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

You don't hate me.
I know you don't.
And I shall never make that mistake of assuming that as I did before.
You're tired, I'm tired.
I've hurt you so much its not funny.
All the words are dried up.
You won't listen.
Baby i'm always going to hold on to that promise we made.
That's the last promise from anyone I shall ever believe.
I know your friends think I'm the biggest asshole around.
I know your friends think I'm the worst possible candidate for you.
I've screwed up lotsa things.
This shall go down as the biggest.
If you're gonna read this,LISTEN.(OR READ)
I'm not gonna delete you off anything,nor am I gonna block you.
That's how it's gonna be.
But I shall give you your space.
Don't cry anymore.
I'm not worth your tears.

You've got yourself a break baby.

And I shall be happy too.

2009-06-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

My princess,it all seems so different now.
I will never forget what we had though.
Seems to me that you're a very happy girl now.
I would never ever dream to get in your way.
So it shall be a compromise that I shall be happy too.
The tears are all shedding now because I can't bear to leave you.

Loves,
that crazy stalker boy who just won't leave you alone.

What's done is done.

2009-05-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

My princess, I've realized now of what best friends should be like.
Though your heart may never be mine, you can be sure you'll always have a piece of mine with you always.
We'll start this again because I never want you to leave.
Fights are nothing. They come and go.
But what we have is something that is here to stay for a hell of a long time.
You could scream at me for the whole day.
But if you ever go, it'll be the loudest piercing scream that will shatter everything that is me.
My princess, I kneel before you humbled.
I'm just a heart yearning for love.
And to you I shall always be faithful for that is the only way my heart can find some peace.
Long live my princess; long live my best friend.

Idiot.

2009-05-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

RULE NO 1: NEVER EVER assume things as it is.

It will only prove to you that you're the biggest idiot alive. Trust me.

I wish I was yours.

2009-05-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's like we're walking on the moon.

All this time being with you it seems so surreal.
I'm already in heaven, if words really could describe how it feels to be with you.
I'm safe.

We could walk forever; walking on the moon.

2009-05-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

Can you see us 10 years on from now?
Walking hand in hand, defying everything.
We'll go against the world baby.
I looked into your eyes yesterday, and I knew right there and then that there is no one i'd rather be with come 10-20 years. Or maybe ever.
Voluptuous women are put on this earth to mislead us from our partners, our best friends.
But lucky for me I found you.
I know it's a little too early.
But even you know how love works.
And I swear to God i'm in love with you.

Can you see us 10 years from now?

2009-05-18T09:02:00.004-07:00

I'm crying alone, with not a shoulder in sight.
I could hear that sinking sound coupling with that odd rare loud crack coming from within.
God save me for I have lost my head.
This unimaginable pain is unbearable.

Forgive me.

When hope fails you.

2009-05-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

I'm an irrelevant piece in this jigsaw life.

LOST.LOST.LOST.LOST.LOST.

I did a full pirouette today.
Okay good now fuck off.
I played my best ever street football today.
Okay good now fuck off.

Oh yes and by the way, nobody gives a fuck.

Good things come for those who wait.

2009-05-15T07:01:00.001-07:00

MANCHESTER UNITED: CHAMPIONS 08/09

This may seem like a trivial matter to most.
But I know I was born to be a Scouser.
It hurts me most to know we've endured crap for 19 years and counting.
Yes. You heard me all you bloody ingrate Mancs. 19 long and painful years.
For the third year running, you have won it again. Kudos.
Lift the title high up for all of us to see.

The tears, the pain.

But we'll still walk with hope in our hearts and never walk alone.

Because I still believe.

2009-05-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

"Many nights we pray

With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

NOW WE ARE NOT AFRAID
Although we know there's much to fear."

The title of my blog, the guide in my life.

Miracles don't always happen in anyone's life, let alone mine.
I'm on my knees. I'm on my knees. Let there be this miracle.

She's that girl.

2009-05-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

She's crazy. She's weird. She's beautiful.

That's why I love her.

She's panicky. She's angry. She's sad.

That's why I'll never ever leave her.

Who is Sasha?

-This is the girl who gave me hope and turned my life around.

That's why I always tell her how much I love her.

To the world, you are just someone. But to someone, you are the world.

You're my world.

2009-05-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

Today turned out to be a great day. The trick to it was love. Just plain ol' It's-the-70s-so-i'm-gonna-love-you kind of love. Just spread it all around. It'll do wonders.
Go to the nearest person and just hug him/her.
At first-(example:please DO TRY and act this at home)
You: *hug*
Him/Her: OI! Siao ah!
You: I do it 'cos you mean so much to me.
Him/Her:*smiles*
You: *smiles*

Love makes the world go round.

I wonder if she's thinking of me.

Love.

2009-05-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

To love someone, or for someone to love you; you must learn to love yourself.
Destroying one's own self belief does not help. Neither is self pity.
Trying to be a better person is life's biggest lesson.
Just like a bad student in school, one must suffer the consequences of his/her actions after doing something wrong.
To the people i've wronged, to you that I have disappointed. I deeply apologize.
I shall not ask for your forgiveness for it is one time too many.
The least I can do is to change myself and prove to you that I can be much better than this.
Much better than this.

Actions speak louder than words.

Bonjour!

2009-05-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

Salut! Je m'apelle Budi. Jhabite a Singapour. Jhabite dans une appartement. Je t'aime Madame.

Au Revoir!

(Macam paham!)
-No that's not french.lol.

The smell of the grass and leather.

2009-05-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Oh I feel it coming again.
The cheers, the roars; the passion.

The Beautiful Game.=)

2009-05-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

"Please tell me why do birds
Sing when you're near me?
Sing when you're close to me?
They say that i'm a fool
For loving you deeply
Loving you secretly"

As the days go by, we learn.
I've learned that, even as our fates have been sealed; it does not stop love from working its magic.
I'm not going to force love.
I'm not going to think that you're not meant for me.
I pray to God and hope everyday, that you're the one He's made for me.

There is, and will only be one Aaliyah Nisha.